Mum, Luke graduated from university yesterday!! You would have been so so proud and yet again I HATE HATE HATE that you are missing out on such a special thing, it is just not bloody fair Mum. Luke missed you yesterday too and I know Dad did bless him. I miss you every single day, more than anyone knows (apart from you I hope) I love you Mum xxxx

Mum you would not believe the hell we are going through once again right now, our precious Alan, you firstborn had to have an operation last week and they thing they have found a tumour! how bloody unfair is that? as if being unable to communicate or live with his family is not enough to out someone through. Now it seems your youngest child John is ill too, they are referring him for urgent kidney tests, I am trying to keep them and poor dad going while waiting for my own test results (that really are not as important as the boys) hope you are somehow watching over them Mum they need you xxx

A Whole Year Without a Mum. Today is an anniversary I had never thought about. A mother is someone you should never be without. Your protector, your confidant and your best friend. But I was not with her when it came to the end. How can I ever be forgiven, how can I ever forget. For the rest of my life I will live with that regret. So many things Mum has missed out on this past year. So many milestones she had the right to be here. Big birthdays, big moments in her grandchildren's lives. Silly things she would have laughed at if she was still alive. Little jokes we shared just between us. Taking the kids out to Uxbridge with my dad on the bus. Nothing is the same, how can it be Doesn't feel like a year since you were last with me. But in other ways it feels like forever. Since the last time we were all here together. I still can't accept I will never see you again. I get told time will heal, but no one says when. I've learned time changes nothing, not love, not hurt. A year gone by and it only feels worse. I try to help everyone but nothing is right. Not getting easier like people think it might. I grow you roses, I take you flowers. I cry for you and Bailey in the dark night hours. I love you Mum, my love lives on. That does not change just because you are gone. You were my Mum and you are still. As more years go by, you always will.

Another big moment you are missing out on Mum, I can't tell you how much it kills me everytime you miss out on something, I feel so bad for you being cheated out of so many things you SHOULD be a part of. Today Daniel got his GCSE results, he did so well Mum and you would be so proud, he will be starting 6th form in September and he turned 16 yesterday. Sunday we will be having his family meal for his birthday which will not be the same without my Mum and will be hard seeing everyone else there, without you. I wish you were here so so much xxx

Mum today is exactly 7 months since your funeral, how can that be when I still cannot even believe you died? I hope I managed to do the day the way you wanted, I really tried. It means its also 6 months today since Bailey's funeral. Dad is actually away in Ireland visiting his brothers I hope you are with him like he feels you are. We are missing you more than you can imagine, I wish you had warned me being without a mum would hurt like this. Love you mum, goodnight, sweet dreams, love you xxxxx

Missing you so much Mum, today it is exactly 7 months since you left me and that has not changed xxxx

Happy Mothers Day Mum, I think of you all the time so you cannot ever really be gone can you? I love you always always always. I hope you liked the card and flowers I brought to your rose bush for you today xxxxx

Mum I finally managed to write you a poem, its in the style of a letter. A Letter to My Mum. Hi there Mum, sorry I didn't write to you before. But it's hard to find the words to say what I need to and more. Your grandsons send their love, they send it every day. I know you know they love you but I'll say it anyway. They are trying hard at school and always do their best. They want to make you proud of them each time they take a test. They know deep down you've always felt that way. But I know how it feels longing to hear you say. Wish I could send you pictures of the things that you should see. Of grandsons you already know, of Bailey,my brothers, my dad and me. It was snowing here the other week, we all felt the chill I warned the boys to be careful like us mothers always will. I couldn't stop them getting hurt but I still shared their pain. The bruised knees, the cuts and sores, we were crying once again. Mum, did I tell you the last time we were together just how beautiful you looked, that I will remember it forever. You were laying there so peaceful, no pain showed in your face. Dad said you looked young again as we all left that place. Leaving you there was hard, I longed in my heart to stay. I left you yet another letter without knowing what to say. I hope somehow you read it, maybe sitting on a cloud. Did you read it to the angels, saying my words out loud. I could never say them to you, afraid of how you'd feel. Scared to do more damage, scared to never heal. But the pain of saying goodbye Mum can never be as bad As sitting here regretting the time we never had. I tried to say goodbye that day everyone was around. Even spoke in front of them, think you might have been a little proud. Mum were the flowers perfect, were the songs the ones you love? Did you like the vicar, were the words we said enough? Let me know that you're not far away, just somewhere you found peace. The stress and worries you had here no longer bother you in the least. Mum can I just ask a favour, whenever you have time. Please send me some spare peace you can to heal this heart of mine. Before I go, let me say once again how much I will miss you Mum till I see you again.

Thank you for setting up this memorial to Faith Rafferty. We hope that you find it a positive experience developing the site and that it becomes a place of comfort and inspiration for you to visit whenever you want or need to.

I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other that we still are. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was.

The night you died I wasn't there Mum, I wasn't there. For that forever I drown in despair. My heart won't forgive me, my head won't let go. Of all those things now we will never know. I loved you Mum, I love you still. It goes on forever, just as my pain will. I stood in the darkness Dad's tears down the phone. So far away and so deeply alone. Hearing the doctor's words that felt like lies. "Minutes to hours" my Mum was going to die. How when I last saw you you sat holding my hand. It would be our last moment, I still don't understand. Back to that night and the hours between. First shocking call, knowing what the second would mean. Alone in that room mobile in hand. It rang, I nearly dropped it, as I struggled to stand. My brother's voice when I expected to hear Dad. "She's gone" he said, felt like I'd gone mad. How could this be happening and so far away from me. Saying my Mum was dead, but how could she be? Dad's voice, more tears and the nurses behind. Talk to me on the phone and try to be kind. "So sorry for your loss" Was she talking to me? Talking about my Mum, but how could she be? Pete walks into the room, I'm still on the phone. Even there in his arms I felt so alone. Phone call ends as Dad needs to go. I have to tell my boys the last thing they should know. "Nanny died" Eldest and youngest son's break down. Middle one wants to to leave, the one who is usually a clown He wants to hide so no one sees him crying. Kept him with us, no comfort to them but trying. Bedtime comes later, but there is no chance of sleep. Laying in the darkness the pain cuts so deep. Dad phones me again, puts the phone to my Mum. No idea what to say, but somehow some words come. "I love you Mum, always have, always will" Back to bed once again, but sleep impossible still. Up several times, I just walk round the place. Checking my sons are ok, just looking at each face. Looking in the bathroom mirror trying to see something of Mum Pete's arms around me and the tears again come. Mum I can't count all the tears I have cried. Because they have not stopped since the night you died.