The night you died I wasn't there Mum, I wasn't there. For that forever I drown in despair. My heart won't forgive me, my head won't let go. Of all those things now we will never know. I loved you Mum, I love you still. It goes on forever, just as my pain will. I stood in the darkness Dad's tears down the phone. So far away and so deeply alone. Hearing the doctor's words that felt like lies. "Minutes to hours" my Mum was going to die. How when I last saw you you sat holding my hand. It would be our last moment, I still don't understand. Back to that night and the hours between. First shocking call, knowing what the second would mean. Alone in that room mobile in hand. It rang, I nearly dropped it, as I struggled to stand. My brother's voice when I expected to hear Dad. "She's gone" he said, felt like I'd gone mad. How could this be happening and so far away from me. Saying my Mum was dead, but how could she be? Dad's voice, more tears and the nurses behind. Talk to me on the phone and try to be kind. "So sorry for your loss" Was she talking to me? Talking about my Mum, but how could she be? Pete walks into the room, I'm still on the phone. Even there in his arms I felt so alone. Phone call ends as Dad needs to go. I have to tell my boys the last thing they should know. "Nanny died" Eldest and youngest son's break down. Middle one wants to to leave, the one who is usually a clown He wants to hide so no one sees him crying. Kept him with us, no comfort to them but trying. Bedtime comes later, but there is no chance of sleep. Laying in the darkness the pain cuts so deep. Dad phones me again, puts the phone to my Mum. No idea what to say, but somehow some words come. "I love you Mum, always have, always will" Back to bed once again, but sleep impossible still. Up several times, I just walk round the place. Checking my sons are ok, just looking at each face. Looking in the bathroom mirror trying to see something of Mum Pete's arms around me and the tears again come. Mum I can't count all the tears I have cried. Because they have not stopped since the night you died.